Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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