omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
