I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
