found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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