You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
