it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My breasts were aching with rage.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
