I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had to cum in my sink.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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