I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
