On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
