Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
