Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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