"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
