she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
