But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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