You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
