Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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