went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
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He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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