I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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