A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
