oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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