we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
