I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
