I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
