Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
