My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
