We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
