11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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