just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
