it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
