See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
