Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
