What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
