im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
