I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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