if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i love accidental penises.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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