just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
