i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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