Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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