so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
