Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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