just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
