Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize