On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
