I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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