When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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