I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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