apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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