I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
