apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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