life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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