In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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