Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
