woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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