Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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