I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
