Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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